I am competely over it...now

It is

moment

to

moment

for me

right

now.

The warm blanket of anxiety, which used to comfort me, has been burned in the fire. Many of the logs that I used to fool myself with, thrash myself with, feed, warm, bathe, and surround myself with…have been tossed. Though they are still there, in the garden, I find it harder to use them today.

My thoughts function in an unseemly manner. Please do not let me operate heavy machinery. Please ask the children to go upstairs. Keep pitchforks at arms length. Follow the animals into shelter. Avoid all eye contact. Chew food. Stretch legs. Breath now. Lunge first. Thrust deep. Ask later.

It is a practice to keep from thinking. It is my thinking that starts the judging…the judging then helps build the case… which leads to my destruction of you… and ultimately my destruction of everything… the destruction of me.

So, I am over EVERYTHING in this moment. I have let it all go.
I have detached.

And, it ain’t so bad.

All I really need to focus on right now….is my breath.

I have found… if I can accept… along with forgive….ALL in my skewed perception will turn out better than what my brain wants to have me imagine. If I attach fear, desire or hope to people or possessions, to principals and perceptions, I am totally fucked. And if I am fucked, well then, sound the alarms, all hands on deck…because it appears that you too will be fucked….yes, I am bringing you into this vortex of fury and pain. You are sheep. I am carnage. Please pass the pickles.

Today I have faith in so much more than what my thinking brain can provide. And yeah, you might be thinking, "Isn't that you attaching something to something else?! Aren't you contradicting yourself?! Aren't you a lover of pies and kiwi?!"
Or maybe you're already thinking about something else...some other...something... unrelated to thinking ...or pies ...or truckstops ...or freezer doors...or?

Life is fueled by contradictions.

This is my contradiction. This is what I have found works, right now. In this moment. For me. What do you have? Do you have that? Do you have that in times of question? -In times of frightening reality? It takes real moments to test this out. Try it. Surrender. You don’t know anything. Seriously.